For the past few months I've been sort of dating this guy who is older than me. Not just like a few years older but like twice my age. I know it's not conventional but truth is, I'm not a conventional kind of guy.
I always thought I had an old soul trapped within this young body. I look around me and see how people my age act. At 24 I should be worried about vapid things such as Jersey Shore or American Idol, but truth of the matter is I really couldn't care less about the goings on of stupid reality T.V. Stars that will become D list celebrities by the time their series hits the DVD box set. Anyways I relate better with the older generation. Probably because my adopted parents were older then most parents when they adopted me.
ANYWAYS.... I decided this weekend I would surprise my new boyfriend to a surprise visit from me. He lives about 2 hours away on the other side of the state and he has a busy job...(being a doctor, thought I'd just rub that in your face a little bit), So we don't get to see each other that often, maybe twice a month if lucky. I really wanted to see him and since I just got paid, I'd take the money and drive to his house. while packing for my romantic weekend, my mind began to think about how this would end up.
What if I drove all the way there and come to find out he had a wife and kids that were home and I was nothing more than a booty call he needed when she was away for the weekend with the kids visiting a relative and he couldn't go to because he said he had work but really he was hooking up with me. OR since he's still secretly in the closet what if he opens the door and he was entertaining guests. They'll ask him who's at the door and he'll say it's no body and slam the door in my face mouthing the words "I'm Sorry". Hopefully the scenario that would play out would be He would open the door and be so overcome with joy that we kiss instantly on the spot while fireworks begin bursting in the air. As we break from our kiss he says that he missed me and ask how he knew I needed him at that very moment. I would whisper to him that my heart told me. We would embrace once more and make sweet love in the bedroom with the glow of the fire works lighting the night sky.
With the last scenario in mind I packed my bags and began to drive the 150 miles to see him. along the drive I would begin to imagine all the ways I could let him know I was there. I could knock on his door and pretend to be a Mormon trying to convert him. Or I could use his wifi and wait outside his house until he logged onto his instant messanger and surprise him by saying someone's at your door and BAM there I would be. Or I could go the Say Anything route and blast a boom box of Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes". But when I got there my nerves overcame me and all I could bring myself up to was just knock on the door.
He answered and was taken back, not the reaction I was looking for. Then he said, "Is everything alright?"(not the response I was hoping for). But he let me in, and we talked about how I was there to surprise him and hopefully be able to hang out with him for the weekend.
He seemed more then delighted to hear I was there but still I think he was shocked I came so far just to see him. He always says that he's not that big of a deal, but I think he really is, I mean he's handsome and charming and funny and cute and wise and playful. I could continue to list things on and on but for some reason he thinks he's not that great of a catch when I think I don't even deserve someone half as great as him.
It was about 9ish when I got there so we talked for a little bit and then headed to the bedroom where began to make love. Our lips entwined and our bodies followed suit. Our passion was hot. I could feel his lust running wild. I couldn't help but picture a life with this man. Seeing our future together. Feeling his lips on mine for the next 10 to 100 years. After a while he was laying on top of me pressing his forhead against mine when I said, "James?" He relied, "Yes?" And then I said it....those stupid three words that I know I shouldn't have said. I briefly pondered not saying them, fearing he wouldn't say them back.
What if I said it and he instantly says it was too fast and I should leave. Or he doesn't say anything and just rolls off me and we lay there in silence. What if I say the words and he says he does and we continue on with this weekend like everything normal. Then I never hear from him again?
But I say them anyways. I say...."I....Love...You". He raises his head, looks me dead in the eyes. I can see they are beginning to water up. He looks at me and asks, "Is that okay?" What do you mean is that okay? Didn't you hear me, I just bared my soul to you and you ask if it's okay?
"Why wouldn't it be?" I reply. This was how I felt about him, I explain that for a while I've felt these emotions about him, this deeper connection, this longing for a future with him. I mean I drove 2 1/2 hours just on the brief chance to see him. We laid there looking into one another's eyes. Both filled with tears.
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...then he said it back. "I love you too."
I was so overcome with emotions, I began to cry and embrace him tightly. I said it again, just so I know it couldn't have been a dream. That night, we made love for the first time.
The rest of the weekend went well, we spent the time exploring the city, looking at famous buildings and architecture, something we both like. Walked and talked. Every so often I would say I love you just to hear him say it to.
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....Then I began to think. Why was I the only one who had to say it first. Why didn't he ever say that he loved me so I could say I love you too. Is this my mind playing tricks on me to sabotage a good thing. Am I forcing him to say I love you because he knows how hurt I'd be if he didn't say it back. Does he not really love me?
We finish the weekend with these questions boggling my mind. Before I leave he says that he'd be online later that night so we could talk. That's reassuring. I get back home and get on around 10:30ish, he normally got on around this time.
and I waited....
and waited...
and waited...
till 12:30 when I realized he wasn't going to be online.
And I never know when he's going to be online, Every night I wait for him at 10:30-12:30 hoping his screen name will light up. Some nights it does and I'm ecstatic. Other nights I'm disappointed that he's not coming but reassure myself that it's only because he's busy being on call at the hospital or busy with his super hectic life.
So here I sit tonight hoping my fantasy of him saying he loves me and then disappears without saying a word is just that, a fantasy. I lay by my computer waiting to see his name light up only to be disappointed yet another night.
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